Ask Mikey: It's never too late to apologize

Ahwatukee Foothills Newspaper

June 21, 2012

Dear Mikey,

I am finding myself feeling awfully guilty for how I have treated my father in the past. Growing up, we both had our differences and well, let’s just say we didn’t exactly see eye to eye. Things were said, there were a lot of hurt feelings flying around back and forth, which has led to a lot of regret on my part that I know of for sure. My younger sister and my mother have always stayed out of our disagreements because they knew the drill between my father and I.

I am well into my 30s now and my father is approaching his mid-60s. We have the occasional family and holiday dinner gatherings now, and my father and I can hold a conversation just fine. However, at least in the back of my mind, I am feeling a lot of overwhelming guilt lately because of what has happened between us over the years. It is almost like we passed our bickering stage and we get along great now, but at the same time there was never any closure from what he and I went through. No I’m sorry’s were ever exchanged or explanations. I just can’t move forward because it still bothers me and I feel really bad for all of the terrible things I said over the years and did.

Is it too late to apologize?

—Feeling Guilty in the Foothills

Dear Feeling Guilty in the Foothills,

It is NEVER too late to apologize for anything that we may have said or done wrong in our past. Yet, what we all forget is that apologies are not just for us to relieve our guilty consciences or to “man up” and take responsibility for any wrong actions we may have taken throughout the years, but it is also a gift you can give for the other person you may have wronged. An apology can help heal the other person’s pain as well as your own. To forgive is one of life’s greatest gifts we can give to one another, but so is apologizing.

I am glad to hear that things seem to be fine with you and your father now as you both have grown older. I understand that you are feeling guilty because you have never apologized to your father. On the other hand though, have you ever put yourself in your father’s shoes? Perhaps he is feeling just as guilty as you are right now and is asking himself the same question, as to whether or not it is too late to apologize to you.

You are right that you both never received any closure from all of the fighting or arguing you did over the years, especially if you guys have never sat down to talk about it or to conventionally apologize to each other. And, if you yourself have children of your own now, chances are you have experienced with your own children the battles of parenting that come about every so often. Sometimes when you are trying to be a good parent, you may not always be popular with your child, and sometimes your child won’t see eye to eye with your decisions because they may not understand the lesson you are trying to teach them. Be that as it may, that doesn’t mean that your child won’t understand the lesson you were trying to teach them one day, years down the road. Perhaps some of your arguments with your father were in relation to this type of scenario, and perhaps they were about something entirely different. Either way, what’s said and done is said and done. You can’t take back any of it and you have done nothing about it to this point, so that’s not making you feel any better either, which means that what you are doing is not quite working for you. Therefore, is it too late to apologize? NEVER.

It is NEVER too late to apologize to anyone about anything. The apology will mean so much to your father after all of these years, will relieve you of your guilt, and will probably strengthen your relationship with your father from here on out.

The only way it will ever be too late to apologize is if you never do it, for our loved ones won’t always be here.

Ask Mikey: Just let the kids be kids and have fun

Ahwatukee Foothills Newspaper

June 7, 2012

Dear Mikey,

My son has been playing sports since he was a little boy and now that he is getting older, we have been signing him up for club sports teams as well as school teams. He loves to play sports and is quite the athlete; however, lately we have been noticing a few things that have been bothering his father and I about what happens while he is involved on these teams.

A lot of the parents seem to be more competitive than the kids that are playing. We have always taught our son to show good sportsmanship no matter what the outcome of the game is. For example, when the game is over we encourage our son to shake hands and say “good job” to the other players on the other team. We also taught our son that if someone gets hurt, no matter what team they are on, that he should help the hurt player up, and so on.

At the last game we attended (on a new team we just signed him up on), another player on the other team was hurt and so my son tried to help him up just like we taught him. One of the parents on my son’s team shouted that he was wasting game time by walking over and helping the other boy up. My husband and I could not believe our ears. During the same game, the boys were showing respect for each other and good sportsmanship by shaking hands with one another after the game ended with the opposing team. Yet, a different parent started yelling from the bleachers that the game was fixed and that the coaches didn’t do a good job, all for everyone else to hear.

What’s disappointing is the kids were having such a great time just playing and the parents were actually the ones ruining the game by complaining and showing examples of bad sportsmanship. The kids had better sportsmanship than the parents. By the parents shouting out disrespectful comments to where all of the children could hear, in my opinion, was giving all of the players a bad example of how they should act at a game.

Do these parents not realize the example they are setting? Whatever happened to just letting kids be kids and to have fun and just play and enjoy the game?

-Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

You are correct. Kids should just be able to have fun on these club sports teams while the parents sit in the stands cheering their children on without any displays of bad sportsmanship. By showing bad sportsmanship, the parents are setting a bad example not only for their own child, but for the other children playing.

That is outstanding that you and your husband teach your son about good sportsmanship because you are building and setting up a foundation for him to carry with him for every single team he is ever on for the rest of his life. Yet, good sportsmanship doesn’t just stay on the field or on the court, it is a life-skill he can take with him outside of sports. For example, it is a skill he can use in the classroom by encouraging other students when they get a right answer or good grade on a science project, or even in the workplace when he gets older by congratulating a fellow co-worker on a promotion. So the fact that your son is attaining this skill at a young age is very impressive. It also shows leadership among the other children who may not have been taught the importance of good sportsmanship and they can follow your son’s lead.

Parents need to realize that they are at the game to show support for their child and the team. They need to remember that kids look up to adults and mirror their behavior. So if a child is playing on a baseball team and some other child’s parent starts yelling negative words from the stands, that parent needs to realize that they are influencing every single child on the field at that very moment, and that is not setting a good example.

Club sports teams are provided for children to improve their physical skills, while also learning about teamwork and staying healthy. It is not a second chance for parents to relive their lost childhood dreams of becoming a famous baseball or basketball player through their child. Children are innocent and do not deserve that type of punishment. It is not fair to them. The teams are about the children so parents need to let their competitive side go and let the kids have a good time while they learn a lot about the specific sport they are playing. The bottom line: let kids be kids and just have fun.

Thanks for teaching your son about the value of good sportsmanship. Hopefully, the other parents will lead by your example.